Why has my sex drive (libido) decreased?

Sexual desire naturally fluctuates in response to many factors. This variation is a normal part of sexual life.

Even so, a prolonged absence of desire can lead to frustration and misunderstandings.

Libido is biological and influenced by hormones such as testosterone and estrogen. Sexual desire is the motivation to seek an intimate experience. Unlike libido, sexual desire is something we can influence. This does not mean we can “force” desire to appear; rather, we can create conditions that allow it to emerge more freely.

This article offers some ways to understand what influences desire, along with ideas for navigating periods when it changes. It is for people who are single and those who are in relationships, since sexual desire remains an important part of how we relate to ourselves, whatever our relationship status.

What can affect my sexual desire?

Individual factors

Biological factors

Biological factors can play a central role in regulating desire. For example, hormonal changes during menopause or andropause can affect the intensity of sexual desire, but this does not necessarily mean the change is permanent.

Psychological factors

Several psychological factors can also inhibit sexual desire, including:

• symptoms of depression or anxiety
• stress
• past trauma
• a negative body image

These experiences can make it harder to feel emotionally available for pleasure and intimacy.

Contextual factors

A person’s circumstances can also inhibit sexual desire. These may include:

Relationship factors

• unresolved conflicts
• a lack of trust in the other person

Life circumstances

• the mental load of day-to-day life

Sociocultural factors

• taboos
• social pressure
• restrictive sex education

If I have no desire, am I broken?

When desire seems to have disappeared, it is often because the context has changed, not because you are “broken”.

Keep in mind

Spontaneous desire, which appears unexpectedly, is only one possible form of sexual desire. Responsive desire can also emerge when a situation feels sufficiently erotic and pleasurable. Neither form is better than the other.

If I have no desire, does that mean I am no longer in love?

Not necessarily. Romantic love and sexual desire work in different ways.

Love grows from attachment, which is supported in part by a sense of safety. It can exist fully without a desire for physical contact.

Sexual desire, in turn, can stem from different motivations, such as the pursuit of pleasure, and may arise independently of romantic feelings.

This explains why people in a couple who have separated, or are in the process of separating, may still desire one another. Meanwhile, a couple deeply in love may go through a period without wanting sexual contact, without this diminishing the depth of their bond.

Keep in mind

There is no “right” or “wrong” level of desire: each person has their own needs.

Does desire need to be nurtured?

Desire can be nurtured, much like a plant that needs watering. Making an effort to nurture it is normal and does not mean anything is lacking in either partner or in the relationship.

You do not water a plant because it is sick; you water it because it needs care.

Here are a few ways to nurture desire:

• Talk about sexuality
• Maintain a balanced life and reduce stress
• Get to know yourself better, including your preferences and boundaries
• Make time for meaningful moments with your partner or partners

In conclusion

Sexual desire fluctuates in response to what is happening in our lives.

Nurturing desire is more about caring for your overall well-being than increasing the amount of sexual activity. This process is different for each person and each couple, and is best approached with patience and without comparison.

When should I seek counselling?

If this concern weighs heavily on you, causes emotional distress, creates tension in your relationship, or affects other areas of your life, consider speaking with a professional.

A physician can rule out or treat a physiological cause. A sexologist can help clarify the other factors involved and explore approaches suited to your needs, including the possible causes of any difficulties you are experiencing.

What about you?

What might help your desire flourish over time?

This article offers general information and does not replace a counselling session tailored to your situation.