A familiar scenario
You may recognize this situation: one person tries to express a need or frustration while the other shuts down, changes the subject, or leaves the room. The more one person insists, the more the other pulls away. And the more the other pulls away, the more the first person insists. This is known as the demand-withdraw pattern.
In this pattern, one person is generally trying to move the conversation forward, bring about a change, or solve a problem, while the other is trying to end the exchange, prevent the conflict from escalating, or regain a sense of safety.
It is an interaction pattern, not one partner’s problem alone
Each partner may have their own reasons for reacting the way they do. Each may be trying to address something they see as a problem. Yet their reactions can end up opposing one another, reinforcing each other and helping to keep the cycle going.
Why can this create distance?
These two reactions feed into each other. The more one partner insists, the more the other may withdraw. The longer one partner withdraws, the more the other may feel the need to insist in order to be heard. This cycle can contribute to greater emotional distance and a decline in the quality of their conversations.
Recognizing the cycle: a first step
Naming what is happening can help you step back and focus on the pattern rather than looking for someone to blame. For example, you might ask, “Are we caught in this cycle again?”
Taking a break without avoiding the conversation
When emotions run high, taking a break can help calm things down and make it easier to continue the conversation.
To keep the break from becoming a way to avoid the subject, it may help to agree in advance on how it will work: how to ask for a break, how long it will last, and when the conversation will resume.
An agreed-upon break is different from simply withdrawing and leaving the other person unsure whether or when the discussion will continue.
Understanding what is behind the demand and withdrawal
Beyond the behaviour we can observe, it may help to understand what each person is experiencing emotionally.
Research shows that demand and withdrawal behaviours are connected to how people experience and express emotions during conflict. In other words, what happens emotionally between partners is part of the cycle and can help keep it going.
This may prompt you to ask:
- What is the person making the request hoping to achieve or communicate? What might help them feel heard?
- What makes the conversation difficult for the person who is withdrawing at that moment? What might help them stay engaged?
In conclusion
The goal is not to decide who needs to change. It is to understand how each person’s reactions contribute to the cycle and where it might be possible to interrupt it.
